i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
