I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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