No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
is wine microwaveable?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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