Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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