I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
