i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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