The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
