If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
