You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
