while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dicks are not precious.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
