...so i touched it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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