Too much gin, very little bucket
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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