I faked an abortion last night.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
love makes seman taste better
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
