Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
