I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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