he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
