Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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