I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
