I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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