Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you traded sex for a burrito?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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