Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
