Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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