If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
