The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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