i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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