Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
