dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
