This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
