so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
