It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
