No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
