Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
