My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
