Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
