I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
