I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
it's great music for shaving your balls
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
