then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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