so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
