I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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