Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
