I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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