I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
These tits shall not be calmed
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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