Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
well you can't waste a boner
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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