Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
