my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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