Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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