I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
