i wish there were pregnant emoticons
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
