If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
