Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
