I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
